Monday, March 9, 2015

Good morning crew,

Well, the weekend was a success in more ways than one. Sunday the wife and I started familiarizing ourselves with the local bars a good two hours before the parade was supposed to start. I thought that would give us enough time to stop into most of them (there aren't really that many) for a quick, sociable beer, but everybody we met was just so friendly we only made it to 2 before the parade started.

The parade itself wasn't too exciting, we're a pretty small town after all, so we started slowly following the parade along its route in order to work our way into the little downtown area. I tried to match pace with one of the bagpipe troops so we could at least walk with music. We finally came to one of the better restaurants in town where I insisted we stop in and have a corned beef and cabbage sandwich. The wife was doubtful of this plan considering that there was barely standing room inside the place, but I assured her we would be able to elbow our way to the bar so we wouldn't grow thirsty during our wait.

Sure enough, I was able to secure a couple of beverages in short enough order, but the wife wasn't content to stand around in idle conversation with the natives. In just a few minutes she started to drift toward her old nemesis; the slot machines.

Since she was paying for lunch I really didn't feel like I could forbid her, so I followed her over to the machines and prepared to limit the damages as judiciously as possible.

She fed a twenty into the mouth of the monster and I watched as the balance began to rapidly dwindle toward zero. She was almost tapped out when she incredibly hit a $100 jackpot!

I have seen her do this more than once; pull out a big win practically on her last dollar. And I feel it is my duty to confiscate her winnings when this happens before she gambles them all right back (which I have seen her do before, too).

She argued, and we compromised that I would hold her winnings for her while she took her original twenty over to another machine and tried again. Hey, it's hard to argue with a winner.

I know it sounds incredible, but she did the exact same thing on her second machine! Better, even, winning about $160 on her original twenty. I was dumbfounded.

And just as I was trying to figure out how to stop her from pressing her luck on a third machine, the hostess came to tell us a table had opened up, saving me from looking like a total buzz-kill.

So, basically, we got paid $200 to spend the afternoon bar hopping and parade watching. And to top it all off, the corned beef and cabbage sandwich was pretty good, too.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"According to a new study, men are naturally programmed to want more than one woman even when in monogamous relationships. And the scientists who conducted the study want to know if they can crash on your couch for a while." -Seth Meyers

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"A developer has created a zero-gravity martini glass, which promises to let astronauts drink cocktails in space without spilling. Our astronauts are drinking? Guys, the first step is admitting to Houston that you have a problem." -Seth Meyers

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"Music duo Hall & Oates is reportedly suing a company over a cereal named Haulin' Oats. Though the company says it's totally different because in their cereal, oats is the star." -Seth Meyers

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A woman said to her friend, "I don't know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can't imagine. He doesn't put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things."

The friend says, "Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, 'Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'"

The first woman asked, "Did it help?"

Her friend said, "I don't know. I haven't seen him since."


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
[This joke is just plain stupid. Actually, I'm embarrassed to run it, but I don't have a decent 'groaner' to put in its place. Not surprisingly, the reader who sent it in did not provide a name. I apologize in advance.]


The hunched back man decides very reluctantly, that he should go see a doctor after a few too many people have started to comment on his back.

DOCTOR: I need for you to get undressed, sir. (Hunchback removes jacket and then stops)

HUNCHBACK: I really don't like getting undressed, doctor.

DOCTOR: If you want me to examine your back you'll have to get undressed. (Hunchback removes his shirt but leaves his t-shirt on)

HUNCHBACK: I don't like showing people my back. They always laugh at me.

DOCTOR: Do you want me to examine your back or not? (Very reluctantly, the hunchback removes his t-shirt)

DOCTOR: Ah...just how long is it since you were in school?

HUNCHBACK: Gosh, over 20 years, doctor. Why?

DOCTOR: Did you ever wonder all those years what happened to your backpack?